I ran across the CHADIE Foundation today (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), and was so upset by their approach that I had to write. CHADIE has a wonderful mission: to bring attention to the harm children suffer from marital problems. But their actual articles are something else entirely: rants by parents who are angry at unfaithful spouses — but who ignore their own role in their divorce. CHADIE gives them a grievance platform. They use it to blast away at their ex-spouses, but how does this help the children?
CHADIE’s authors almost universally blame the adulterer when there is infidelity. Simple answers are nice. They’re comfortable. And they’re almost always wrong.
The story that first caught my attention was The Walk of Shame by a grieved husband, an all-too-familiar story of suspicions, private detectives, shocking discoveries, divorce, and the inevitable emotional damage to his innocent children:
My wife, a once faithful and virtuous woman — the mother of our children — was dishonoring our family, herself, and her married lover’s spouse and children. No matter how people spin affairs and adultery, it is a disgusting and vile act of betrayal, deceit, and lies. Spouses are supposed to be faithful, committed, loving, trustworthy, and [to] act with integrity. They are supposed to have your back, not cheat behind your back. [minor corrections]
But … that angry statement crumbles under its own weight: The furious husband never asks “WHY?” He uses terms to describe his wife—disgusting, vile, betrayal, deceit, lies—that beg the very question he has not only failed to answer, but hasn’t even asked.
Before I go farther, let me state clearly that I don’t know who this man is; the article was published anonymously. It is possible that my entire analysis of this case is wrong. Maybe the wife was a truly evil woman who had an affair even though her marriage was perfect in every way. Maybe. If you believe that, then take this essay as a more general comment on situations like this; they happen thousands of times per day. On CHADIE’s publication, this attitude is the rule rather than the exception.
That said, let’s go back to the husband’s very own words. On the day they married, surely he didn’t think his bride-to-be was vile and disgusting. She was probably beautiful, happy, and had the same hopes, fears, and dreams we all have on our wedding day. She was earnest when she made her promise of faithfulness. And he believed her—and was right to do so. She really was that person.
So the question is: Why? What would make a woman (or man) change so much? What made this woman take such an enormous risk? Why would she risk losing everything, to have society brand her with the scarlet letter “A”?
I’m currently writing a novel, and I’ll quote passage that I happen to like a lot. There are many things that can go wrong in a marriage; my story is about a woman whose husband has lost interest in her:
A woman who decides to have an affair isn’t some hedonistic slut; it is the hardest, worst choice she’s ever had to make. She loves her man, they’ve built a life together, they have family, friends, and community, a house, children, maybe a dog. Divorcing will destroy her life and possibly damage her career. It will ruin the decades of work and love she poured into her life. It will force friends to choose sides, children to blame her, and their beautiful home to be exchanged for two crappy condos. Yet her husband has ignored her advances, brushed off her entreaties to see a marriage counselor, and worst of all, taken their life together for granted. She still loves him. He’s a good father and provider, and she enjoys his companionship. But in the bedroom? Nothing. And she needs something.
Is she really willing to give up sex … for the rest of her life? Because that’s the choice her husband has forced her to make: divorce or celibacy.
But there is a third choice. One that she never, ever thought she could do. One that will break a promise that she thought was sacred. One that would label her a slut. A cheater. Immoral.
She can have an affair.
It’s unthinkable at first.
So she turns to soft-core erotic novels to arouse herself and get the release she needs. She goes to the gym to lose herself in sweat and movement. She takes long, fast walks. She pretends it’s OK, that as we get older our sexual needs fade away. It works for a while. But the lies she tells herself don’t fool her body or her soul. The years go by and the frustration grows.
Then a friend shows up for lunch one day with a new glow, and after extracting a promise of absolute silence, the friend confesses that she’s seeing a man, someone who makes her feel alive again. Her friend tells her of a dating web site, a place where the keyword is “discreet.”
And so, embarrassed, shameful, but also a bit excited, she types in the URL…
There are many, many reasons why people have affairs, and the least common reason is because they’re vile, disgusting people. Instead, it’s because they’re profoundly unhappy with some aspect of their marriage. People have a strong and important need for love, affection, physical contact, and sex.
A huge number of people feel lonely in their marriages, and the lack of understanding by their partners leads to frustration and anger.
People let themselves go; it’s common to see a forty-something couple where one looks fit and healthy while the other has become overweight, unhealthy, or otherwise uninterested in their appearance. While love is important for sex, physical attractiveness matters a lot to some people.
Humans are biologically programmed to seek sexual variety, and staying monogamous leads to boredom and disinterest. Many couples overcome this by actively seeking novel sexual experiences, but some just let the boredom grow like moss covering a fallen tree.
Health problems can cause loss of interest in sex, condemning one partner to an unplanned life of celibacy.
Children, work, financial problems, abuse, or emotional incompatibilities can lead to a complete loss of sexual attraction.
These and many other problems can be overcome, but doing so requires collaboration, an active acknowledgement that something is wrong, and enough love and desire to do the hard work—together—to fix the problem.
You can’t pretend that everything is OK. You can’t assume that because your sex life (or lack thereof) satisfies you that your partner is also happy.
True story: A friend, after a long stretch of marital unhappiness, finally gave up and left his wife. A few weeks later, after lambasting him for abandoning her with no warning, she told him, “There’s a box of your crap on the porch. Come and get it TODAY or I’ll throw it away.” When he arrived, what was the top item in the box? A book: Fighting For Your Marriage, by Howard J. Markman. He’d read the book himself, and had asked the wife repeatedly to please read it. She refused. I don’t know about you, but if my wife asked me to read that book, I’d be alarmed, and would read it in a heartbeat, then strongly suggest that we find a good marriage counselor. Refusing to accept your partner’s frustration is a grievous mistake.
So what about the “adulteress” of the Walk of Shame article linked above? She is vilified by her husband, unconditionally and unilaterally condemned. He accepted no responsibility whatsoever (if he did, you can’t find it in his story). But I’d wager a great deal of money that if he’d been paying attention, he could have seen the signs.
And why didn’t his wife do the honest thing and just divorce him? That’s hard to answer, because the husband gives us no clue about their families, religion, financial situation, children, or the dynamic of their relationship. But to simply call her a disgusting, vile, deceitful, betraying liar is to completely miss the point: He participated in her adultery.
But back to CHADIE. I truly support their stated mission. As my therapist told me during divorce, “Studies have shown that divorce is an unmitigated disaster for the children. There’s no upside to it. The only thing worse for the kids is not getting divorced.”
Of course we should try to work out our problems. Of course divorce is awful. And of course we should do our best to help kids through it. But giving parents a soap box to shout from, especially one that encourages the blame-and-shame game with little critical self examination, isn’t helping anyone.
Image: Le supplice des adultères, 1876, by Jules Arsène Garnier. Public Domain.
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