“This year, give guilt – the gift that keeps on giving!”
I’m tired of reading guilt-soaked stories of infidelity. It goes like this: A sexless, unhappy marriage, years or decades without sex, often without even physical closeness, refusal of the spouse or partner to work out problems, or sometimes even to acknowledge them. Or even worse, a dismissive too-bad-for-you attitude, just “suck it up, we’re done with sex.” And then, out of loneliness, frustration, and a deep unhappiness for the imposed lifetime of celibacy, you seek or stumble on an intimate relationship, and sooner or later, GUILT strikes.
I’ve been in several marriages, and only one involved infidelity on my part (I was on the other end in another). Do I feel guilty? Not even a little. There were many reasons for the breakup, but infidelity was a result, not a cause. The details are private, as they should be, so don’t ask.
Do I feel regret? That’s complicated. We can always look back and see things that we could have done better—hindsight is twenty-twenty. If I’d known then what I know today, I surely would have done things differently. Most likely, I’d have broken up sooner, because I know that our incompatibilities were too deep to resolve. So it’s tempting to feel regret, a close cousin of guilt. But in the end, I believe I did the best I could given what I knew and who I was at the time. Rather than kick myself for what I didn’t know, I’ve embraced the lessons and moved forward. So regrets? No.
Do I feel sad? Terribly, terribly sad. Because, regardless of the reasons for the breakup, we lost a great deal. Hopes, dreams, experiences, and love were all lost. My ex was very, very upset. I lost what I thought was my whole future, lost the home we’d built together, lost dreams and plans we’d shared, and lots of fun memories we’d built are now tainted by bitterness. And I wouldn’t presume to assert how she felt, but I imagine she had similar feelings.
So yes, I’m very sad.
But never confuse sadness for guilt. It’s OK and good and healthy to feel sadness. But guilt is only appropriate if you can truly say you made a mistake and have appropriate regrets. Especially if the mistake was out of callousness or indifference to your partner’s feelings. But if you did your best, if you tried to make it work, if you brought your concerns to your spouse but were put off, and if your partner had every opportunity to work with you on your problems but didn’t, then don’t feel guilty.
Embrace the sadness. Reject the guilt.
Image: The Expulsion from the Garden of Eden by Masaccio, ca 1425. Public domain.
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